Big Time throws 4 TDs as Bandits stomp Ducks


Big Time throws 4 TDs as Bandits stomp Ducks

Big Time Beagle set a team record with four touchdown passes and ran for another in leading the Prowling Bandits to a 35-17 victory over the Diamond Ducks.


Results

Team1234T
Bandits7714735
Ducks3001417

Big Time Beagle, Bandits Embarrass Ducks

Daisy Duck took the snap on fourth-and-goal inside the 1 and spun to her right, only to find Gosalyn Mallard was coming from his left. There was a handoff, a collision and a goal-line stop.

The Prowling Bandits knew then the Diamond Ducks really were as bad as their record indicated.

Big Time Beagle and Prowling Bandits had their way with the Diamond Ducks, winning 35-17 in a game that was nowhere near that close. Big Time threw four touchdown passes and walked in for another while narrowly missing a perfect quarterback rating. Babyface Beagle ran for 135 yards, and the defense forced four interceptions.

The play at the goal line was pivotal. The Prowling Bandits (6-3) led only 14-3 in the final seconds of the first half; it was the second straight play the Bandits kept Gosalyn out of the end zone.

The Bandits scored touchdowns on its first two drives of the third quarter, and the outcome was never in doubt again.

“The older beagles talked about how we had become so weak and lazy in our performance. Grandpa Beagle [Blackheart Beagle] reminded us of the generations of Beagles that worked hard stealing money from Scrooge McDuck to jump start this team,'” starting center and nose tackle, Trudy Van Tubb said. “It was just the reminder that we, not only the Beagle Boys, needed as a team.”

Emily Quackfaster could only watch in disappointment, as her opportunity at quarterback was limited to three drives in the fourth quarter, despite Daisy Duck setting the record for most interceptions thrown by a quarterback in a single game this season. Though the Diamond Ducks were outscored by their previous two opponents 78 to 27, it didn’t seem like much was learned in film study leading up to this game.

“I’m dumbfounded,” head coach Downy O’Drake said.

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Coach O’Drake normally can find a silver lining in anything, no matter how meaningless, such as Daisy throwing for 379 yards or the Diamond Ducks scoring two fourth-quarter touchdowns. She was absolutely deflated this time, her quack lacking any energy.

At one point, there were accusations that the Bandits were deflating footballs during pregame warm ups. The issue seemed very similar to the postgame accusations given by several Indianapolis Colts players after being blown out by the New England Patriots in the 2015 AFC Championship Game. But unlike the tedious 243-page bedtime narrative that ensued, Mickey Mouse Athletics did not wait months to look into the issue and make flip-flop decisions based on its own agenda. Yes, unlike the NFL where Roger Goodell is the judge, jury and executioner, Mickey Mouse Athletics football league works as a democracy via listening to all of its players, coaches, and fans. All information was double-checked as soon as the issue was reported, thus preventing any premature announcements followed by a list of inaccurate conclusions and scapegoats. #Deflategate

Even before the evidence was brought forth, the Diamond Ducks realized that they, themselves, were also tampering with official game balls. But the situation was put to rest when the Ducks head coach responded with the perfect understanding of a team that just lost:

“I’m distraught, to say the least, the pressure of the football is an insignificant factor of why we lost this game. Every quarterback in the league has a personal preference and definition to what the perfect football is,” O’Drake said. “I’ve got talented players and I’m not getting them to play well enough. To me, that’s the root of the problem.”

The Ducks opened the game by driving to the Bandits 16. They kicked a field goal and didn’t score again until they were down 28-3 in the fourth quarter.

Daisy actually played well, going 34 of 49 with three interceptions clanged off the webbed padding of her receivers — “kind of a microcosm of our season,” she called it.

“It was an awesome day offensively for us,” Big Time said. “I just thought we continued to come at them. We quickened the pace and we gassed them a little bit.”

The crowd was much smaller than usual, kept away by Ducks’ lousy record, the bleak outlook without any offensive stars for the home team, and more than likely, a shift of fan interest to basketball season.

Donald Daisy Duck Roses Flowers

Win or Lose, Big Support from Donald: Some of the biggest cheers of the night came when Donald Duck showed up during the fourth quarter with roses for Daisy Duck.

“Our best football is yet to come,” said tight end Bankjob Beagle, who had two touchdown catches.

The mood was summed up by two fans holding this sign, which somehow made it onto the gigantic video boards: “Hurry up Donald Duck, Daisy thinks she can play quarterback.” Some of the biggest cheers of the night came when Donald showed up during the fourth quarter, once the game was already decided and Emily Quackfaster took over at quarterback. The moment proved so popular to the home team that it was shown several times throughout the rest of the game.


 

Bandits

PlayerPass CompletionsPass AttemptsPass YardsPass TDsRush AttemptsRush YardsRush TDsReceptionsReceiving YardsReceiving TDs
Joaquin Slowly0000430000
Argus McSwine0000000120
The Sheriff of Nottingham00001904411
Fritter O’ Way00000004811
Trudy Van Tubb0000000000
Big Time Beagle17212604221000
Babyface Beagle00002713502130
Bankjob Beagle00000002512
Megabyte Beagle0000000000
Bouncer Beagle00000004720
Total17212604341491172604

Ducks

PlayerPass CompletionsPass AttemptsPass YardsPass TDsRush AttemptsRush YardsRush TDsReceptionsReceiving YardsReceiving TDs
Daisy Duck344937915120000
April Duck000041211210
June Duck00001207840
May Duck000012010971
Gosalyn Mallard000082203140
Emily Quackfaster02002504270
Gloria00000002190
Goldie “Glittering” O’Gilt0000000000
Brigitta MacBridge0000000000
Dickie Duck000000071170
Total3451379121551343791

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